My whole life I had been a worrier because I had this deep-seeded ungodly belief that I can mess up God’s plan.
If I'm honest, it is because, logically, I have seen people not living in their destinies. I also have seen myself choosing things that are so off-track.
Unfortunately, well-meaning people have confirmed this belief-- that if I don't obey God perfectly, hear Him perfectly, follow Him perfectly, and have perfect faith that His way will come to pass… His plan won’t happen.
I would hear about the ‘peace that surpasses understanding’ and I couldn’t relate. I only felt peace when I got revelation. If God spoke to me about something, and told me the truth…then (and only then) I would have peace. I could rest in what He said. I couldn’t understand having peace outside of that. ‘Have peace in what?’ What was this truth that was supposed to give me peace?
Here’s why I couldn't relate: I was conditioned to believe that if I didn’t know what God said, wanted, and directed, then things wouldn’t work out for me. Because I believed I was the one who would get us there. I believed God would tell me how, but it would be my responsibility... and if I couldn't discern his directions, I would fail. I would ruin the plan because I saw the plan as very fragile.
I had some traumatic events in my past in which I was told the lie of — “WHAT GOD WANTED DIDN’T HAPPEN BECAUSE OF YOU!” And even stuff like: “God wanted something, but because you didn’t hear Him/obey Him, its gone forever and never coming back.”
I believed these lies from people, and even thought they were truths from God ... and I feared God. I feared that it seemed so easy to ruin what He wanted for me. It instilled in me this doubt, fear and distrust in God's might. I internalized these lies to the point that I believed that God’s will (what He wanted) held no true power.
So, for me, this looked like fear galore. His will always had AUTHORITY in my life. I would listen for His will and He would tell me.
BUT… when we believe His will has authority but no power… it leads to an ugly dance of fear and control.
I would hear what He said and I would give it authority, but I wouldn’t have faith that He would have His way in my life. I thought that the ‘power’ part was up to me. That He ENTRUSTED me with the knowledge and now I had to get us there. I struggled with feeling enormous pressure in acting perfectly in situations so that His will would come true. I feared that I would never hear well enough or obey well enough for what God wanted in my life to actually come to pass.
On New Year’s Eve, I went to church and the pastor said to envision Jesus in front of you, holding out His hand. When I did this, all of a sudden, Jesus picked me up and swung me around his shoulders like a scarf… and I envisioned Him walking and saying to me “I will get you to where you need to go.”
It's been over a month of cherishing this word and learning what it means. He has shown me that my “yes” for getting carried by Him means that I am going where He is taking me… and even if I struggle and don’t perfectly obey while I am already on His shoulders, that He is still taking me where I need to go. My imperfection in being held doesn't mean that I'm off His shoulders. I am still going where I need to go because I've said yes to Him holding me.
He showed me how much that big yes to Him matters...and also how little pressure I should feel about the smaller yesses. I am a believer in obedience and in following his voice even in ‘small’ matters, but He was showing me it shouldn’t be because I believe my destiny will be taken away if I don’t obey. My destiny is mine and He will get me there. If I disobey, He tries something else. He detours, He salvages, He sees the conflicts-of-interest and trains me in healing! He works all things for my good.
He is so smart.
And so much mightier than I gave Him credit for.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I am able to rest on His promises because He is able to accomplish them. Because I gave Him my big yes for following Him… and submitted my decisions to Him….He IS taking me where I need to go.
I want to say all of the little yesses to him too, because I am on His team and I trust Him… but in moments when its hard to hear or I disobey out of my doubts and wounds, I know He is still carrying me and He is not taking His promises away from me.
Today I asked Him ‘what is the PEACE that surpasses all understanding?’ I know the peace that comes from Godly understanding (revelation) and I CHERISH it. When I receive clarity through hearing His voice, I feel peace... even when it doesn't line up with logic. To me, there was nothing better.
But now, I see that there was so much more for me then even my most-cherished revelation! PEACE IS BETTER! It is the peace that when God speaks to me, I can trust that He will get me there as He carries me… because He is mighty enough to accomplish His plans for me. He isn’t resting on my might. I am resting on His. When He calls, I will answer… but I will stop holding His words with my death-grip in fear that if I don’t, He won’t be ABLE to come through. THAT is the peace… that He IS able to accomplish everything He tells me…. and all He needs is my general yes… my yes to being carried by Him.
And now...with so much more peace (though definitely imperfectly still), I say "God...I trust you to take me where I need to go... to redirect me, to close doors, to give and take away, and to have your way in my life. Because you are mighty to find a way to accomplish what you have told me...and my yes is enough."